CoNFuSeD

i really am.i dont know which i should choose because me myself do not know what i want.there are pros and cons to every single choices and i cant seem to know what is best for me.what should i do???i dont know

WHAT SHOULD I DO???

i really dont know.im falling deep into a hole.i cant seem to find a way out.i need help but i do not have anyone to turn too.it depressing.



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so depressed!!!

its been so so so long that i cant remember when was the last time i blog.maybe a whole semester which means around four months plus.hmmm.today was my last day of examination.i'm so depressed and i had no one to talk too.i wanted to cry but i cant seem to find the tears.

i did really badly for my paper today and yesterday and the day before and the day before.conclusion was that i did badly for my final examination.today paper hit me the worst.i do not know what i wrote at all in the paper.i dont know the calculation(calculation covers almost 80% of the paper).not even one.and to make matter worse,i felt that i almost got everything wrong after i look at my tutorial.and the theory i'm not sure whether what i wrote is what the lecturer want.i'm so stress up by thinking of it.i was suppose to be happy that i am free from all the tortures but i dont.i actually felt scare.fear of what awaiting me on THE DAY.i knew i cant do anything right now as what was over was over.you cant turn back the time.but still the fear within me is no jokes.

my sister told me 'you cant do anything anymore since it already pass'.i agreed but how can i get myself not to think of it???arghhh.i really want to scream out so loud to let everything go.arghhh.




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FAMILY!!!

everything seems good tonight.my cousin got married.its a happy day.when everything is over,relatives stayed around to take pictures and talk.its a happy memory.but all of a sudden mummy taught of grandma and started crying.both my uncle cried as well.i cried too because i just cant help it.i understand what mummy meant when she said how sorry is she towards grandma and uncles.me and jie jie cried the worst after mummy.we cant help but to cry along.i mean we know mummy regrets towards grandma because she thinks she is not a good daughter.but there is a reason to it.all i can hope is that grandma that is in heaven knows it.and today i know the true meaning of Family.

Family is a place you can rely on.
Family is the one that will be there for you no matter what.
Family is the one you can trust.
Family is a place of hope.
Family is the comfort zone.
Family is the one that will accept you for who you are.
Family is the one that will forgive you no matter what you do.
Family is the one that always love you.
Family is the strength.
Family is place you cannot find anywhere else.
Family is HOME.

i have learn today to love my family more as i know they will always be there for me no matter what decision i make and what i had done.no matter what i had did to them,they will always love and forgive me.i am thankful to my family even though i am very bad in expressing myself.i will be more tough for them and make my Family proud of me.


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thankful...

i went back to cyberjaya on 5june to unpack my stuffs at the new place and i went back to melaka on the same day as well.it was insane.yesss.agreed on that.a lot of people said that.i took 10am bus and guess who i saw at the melaka sentral.whee ling.i never thought i will see her there.we talk for awhile and exchange phone number.after i reach bukit jalil,i bought 8.30pm bus ticket back to melaka because i never thought i will unpack that fast.i finish around 4.30pm.so waste an hour in the room lazing around.then i took the 5.45pm u429.i reach bukit jalil around 7 something.i sit there reading magazine i bought till 8pm.then i go and find the bus.there is only one bus back to melaka and i just stand there and wait.it usually will let us into the bus around 8.15 but it didnt.i was so anxious.and i walk around again too see if i miss anything.and there is one uncle in the batu pahat bus asked me where am i heading.i said melaka and he said melaka bus is in platform 5.yeay i know it is in platform 5 but i just want to make sure.so i waited till 8.30pm.and the same uncle came to platform 5 to see why the bus driver havent let us in.he walk to the bus booth and in another few minutes the bus is open.i was like maybe the uncle complain.i went into the bus and the air con is not open.what the heck.i was sweating like crap.then the same uncle came up the bus and he realise the air con is not open.he switch it on.and he go to one seat to another to make sure the air con is functioning.there are few chinese including myself and he only ask me whether the air con function or not.i nodded smiling.i think maybe he saw me wandering around the bus earlier and he recognize me.i really think he is a very responsible worker.and is a kind one.so thats my one day trip back to cyber.


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reflection...

i did really badly this time for my exam.i pass everything but everything just went down.both my gpa and cgpa.its not that im greedy or what.i was really happy when i saw my results that i pass everything.im very happy.but it seriously went down a lot.im getting far away from my target.what should i do or what should i had done in the first place???i really need to reflect on what happen.i need to buck up.i have to be more tough with myself.no more fooling around.i still had 3 more semester to catch up.i hope i can manage to catch up and fulfill my uni goal.




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anniversary!!!!

its officially been a month since mummy got admitted into hospital.and almost a month since mummy got discharge.im so happy that mummy is active doing all chores that she always do.continue to nag on me.continue to scold my brothers.i rather she nags me than she laid on the bed.so im very very happy.im trying my best to accomplish all my promises even though i hardly do it.i promise i will eventually accomplish all the promises i ever had made.i promise.



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hell of a week...

it all happen in a week.its such a tiring and scary week for me.its still vivid in my head.it all started on

30th April 2010(Friday)
mummy got high fever and she just sleep.i've been studying but i just cant concentrate.and taking care of the kids.its insane.and my brothers are not around as they go to kuala lumpur today itself for camp.mummy goes to see doctor this night.mummy's fever was up to 39 degree.doctor said if mummy continue to has high fever then she need to go to hospital and check in case its dengue or h1n1.

1st May 2010(Saturday)
don't really has a good sleep.but manage to make sure mummy eats medicine on time.continue to study but again not really concentrating.been going to mummy's room for every half and hours or so to make sure if she is okay or needs anything.and making it a habit to check her temperature.mummy's temperature is going up and down.so scary.another day went by.

2nd May 2010(Sunday)
mummy still has fever and it kinda worried me.i'm scared and worried but i don't has the guts to ask papa to bring mum to hospital.i'm so worried what might happened.so i just kept quiet and continue to check on mummy temperature.luckily today sister and brothers coming back so at least there are someone that can make decision in the house.mummy continue to eat the medicines and everything.the night pass on.

3rd May 2010(Monday)
mummy said she felt better and starting to do the house chores.but she don't really looks that energetic.she still lacks of energy.i thought maybe because she didn't take any meals that provide energy.how wrong i am.but i thank God because sister decided to bring mummy to the hospital.mummy is reluctant to go but under our continuous lectures she decided to go.so sister and clayton accompanied mummy to hospital while i stay at home taking care of the kids.actually me and sister cried because of what papa said and we are kinda worried about what gonna happened.i don't want mummy to be worried but i just can't stop myself from crying.few hours past and i finally receive a message from sister.doctor said there is 90% its dengue and mummy need to admit into hospital.i told papa.and i actually do not know whether it is good or bad news.should i be happy that mummy got dengue instead of h1n1 ???or should i be worried that its dengue.nothing cured dengue.after mummy admitted into the hospital,we visited her there.she still looks very fragile and hot.but doctor said she needs a lot of water so we brought a lot of waters for her and make sure she drank it.after awhile then we went home.at around 12 ++am i got a call from mummy. i was actually very scared to get a call from mummy because im very afraid of what she gonna tell me.i cant bear to hear anything bad.mummy called and said doctor asked her to change to ICU(intensive care unit).the moment i heard the word ICU,my world starts crumbling down.my hand was shaking terribly when i pass my phone to sister.sister and clayton go the hospital and i stayed at home.at that moment,i felt that 1 minutes equivalent to an hour.i check my phone frequently to see the time but it only pass like a few minutes.but for me,it felt like hours.so i waited and pray for mummy safety.and i cant stop crying.finally sister come back at 1++am.she assured me that doctor wanted mummy to be under the surveillance of more nurses so the doctor transfer mummy to ICU.im relieved when i heard that.it means mummy will be under more nurses care.but im really afraid of the word ICU.this is a scary day.

4th May 2010(Tuesday)
me,sister and clayton woke up around 8++am.i cant sleep anymore.so wake up and visit mummy.papa bought for mummy a traditional medicine at around rm200++.we are trying everything we heard or know that can cure dengue for mummy.before we went to the hospital,i went to buy bus ticket because im having my final starting on 5may(yes.you got it right.the next day i got exam.heck.i didnt even study.to make matter worst,i got two papers on 5th may).i bought 2pm bus ticket(for the first time i bought such an early bus).anyway,went to visit mummy around 11.30am but the guard dont let us in because its not visiting hour(the guard is damn strict.she event went in to call out sister).so no choice but to go back home again.we went back to the hospital at 1pm.before i go back kl,i manage to see mummy.mummy looks more healthier and she talks too.she drank a lot of water.and for the very first time i realise that general hospital nurses are good.they are like every 10minutes will asked mummy whether she want waters or anything(maybe i was blurred by the bad behaviors of some nurses that i dont see the good nurses).so i manage to talk to mummy and im relieved that she felt better.so that i can go back cyber in a more relieved state.start studying once i go back cyber.but i still sms mummy to see whether she is okay.but im glad that sister stayed in melaka to take care of mummy.and mummy change to the ordinary ward again today.

5th May 2010(Wednesday)
i take my first paper in the morning and the second paper in the evening.and its tiring.after exam,i cant rest as i got another theory paper the next day.finish exam 5.30pm and reach home at around 6pm.eat and bath then continue with my studies.sms mummy a few times to ask her bout her temperatures and conditions.heard from sister that she gotten better.sister went back kuala lumpur today.doctor told mummy if she can drink at least 3 bottles of 1.5l of waters a day,doctor will take out the needles that provide water(dont know the exact name).she manage to reach the target and the needles was taken off.im so glad that mummy had gotten better.the doctor even said mummy drank more than required.mummy asked the doctor is it bad and the doctor said no.mummy so funny.


6th May 2010(Thursday)
i sms mummy again around 9something.she said her temperature went up a little but she did continue to drink lot of waters.and doctor said she might discharge today if her temperature is normal.doctor given given her till 2pm.i has exam at 2.30pm but i still asked mummy to tell me whether she can discharge or not.exam starts and the paper is so hard.i catch a glimpse of my phone but there are no sms.its over 2pm and mummy never sms me.im so scared and afraid and i kept thinking why didnt she sms me.what happen and everything.after finish my exam,i just read her message saying she can be discharge today and waiting for koko to fetch her.at last mummy can go back.i promise mummy that i will follow sister go back if she discharge.so i waited till Friday and follow sister back to melaka.


for me this is seriously a very bad week.with exam and what happen to mummy really makes me stress up.but i learn through this experience to appreciate those around me and be more independent.and never every take anything for granted.i makes a lot of promises for the safety of mummy and i hope i will be able to accomplish my promises.i will tried my best to accomplish that.through this as well,i can see that papa good as he do all the house chores when mummy is sick.he might not show it but i know he is worried.im happy to see that.and now mummy is back on her feet and starts nagging me.hehe.i miss it so much that im so happy when she nags me.i will tried my hardest to change to be a better daughter to her.



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afraid and sad

im seriously very sad and afraid right now.mummy is sick and my exam is coming.its killing me.i dont know what i can do.all i do right now is hoping mummy's fever will decrease.i dont want to see her lying down there and suffered.i want her to stand on her feet and starts nagging me again.i dont want to see her sick.when i see her that way,its killing me.i wander what i can do.but there is just nothing i can do.please get well soon mummy.



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i'm back

back to blogging again.i now had mix feeling.i felt so good to be back but so part of me rather do not want to come back.i felt so powerless to things that happened around me.its just so blurry.im not in the very best shape now but i know i can do it.i will overcome it(i hope).lolx.

now having one study week and then its final.it sucks cause i didnt prepare.i hope i can use this one week to prepare myself(but i doubt i can).i had two papers on my first day of examination.and the continuous examination the next day.to make matter worse,all this three papers are theoretical which means i need to memorize heck lotsa things.its like a nightmare.but i hope i can overcome this.i need to be positive.



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fri 29jan 2010

uneasiness is what i felt now.i seems to hate everything right now.i cant seem to keep my head straight.oh gosh.hopefully everything will eventually be better off.




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thurs 28jan 2010

i cant concentrate on what i am doing.my mind wander off.what can i do so that i will not felt like that???
i want to get rid of this feeling.its killing me.




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tues 26jan 2010

today is the day.its not any normal tues.my heart breaks cause the scene is never what i dreams off.i hope i will felt better as the day goes by.i will wait patiently.




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